Having Faith and Memories

The harder I try to be a good Christian the harder it gets. There is always some sort of obstacle trying to get in my way. It certainly makes it harder sometimes to keep the faith. I wonder what would have happened if my family had given up faith while I was in the coma. I doubt I would be alive right now. They would have unplugged me. I am so blessed to have a family who cared so much that they turned their lives upside down to stay by my side and keep faith that I would recover.

I've been told, that while in the coma my left lung collapsed. I had some sorta blockage somewhere, I had a staff infection, my organs began to shut down, I had influenza (I think) I got down to 85 lbs, a lot of my hair fell out and I lost a tooth. Which I am very much aware of because my front tooth is gone. I had a trach and a feeding tube.

I don't remember the trach and I don't remember much about the feeding tube except -

~dream sequence~

I remember that depending on how I laid in my bed I could hear voices. Like different radio stations. These were not the voices of people in my room. If I laid my head in a certain place on the mattress I might here a room full of children. I remember when they left I was very sad. In another position I could hear two boys outside the hospital trying to get in. Another position might let me hear other people talking. One such position held a pair of people who told me how I could commit suicide. They told me if I pulled the feeding tube out of my belly I would lose all the nutrients and die. So I did. I think I did this more than once and I would get in trouble by the nurses. I remember one time right after being fed through the tube I pulled it out and it leaked fluid on the bed. I laid on the wet spot until the nurses found out what I had done. I don't remember neccesarily wanting to die, but apparently I did.

When I was released from the hospital I still had the tube in my belly. I don't remember what it felt like though, or even looked like. I had to wear bandages over the wound for a while though once it got taken out.

Isn't it strange what we remember?