Thursday, March 21, 2013

Crying out to God

Ever since I became pregnant with my second son I have been battling depression. It was a hard pregnancy and even though I love my sons more than anything I can't shake my depression. I have everything in the world to be happy about and I can't be happy. I see a Doctor (who is a Christian) and take my prescribed medicine which helps but I still feel like I'm in a hole. I cry out to God constantly for help. I wonder what is wrong with me. Negative thoughts invade my brain daily. I wonder if God has stopped listening to my prayers but I know that is just the devil trying to break me down. I must say he is doing a good job of it. Making me doubt myself, and even hate myself. I do know that God is there and in the back of mind I know he is listening and working in His own way. But that doesn't really make me feel better. I feel like a failure. A complete failure. My family is wonderful and they help me a lot but I still can't shake this feeling. It's like nothing in the world can bring me out of it. I feel selfish for constantly praying for myself like a baby crying out to God but I do not know what to do. Please pray for me. I am lost.

Sunday, December 9, 2012


normally I would never consider the fact that God would make a mistake, but why on earth did He in His infinite wisdom keep me alive?

Thursday, October 13, 2011


We can not always trust people, but we can always trust in God. There is no doubt about that. I feel as long as I trust in God, well, there really isn't much to worry about.

 Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

in regards...

Okay, in regards to my last blog, a very good friend mentioned what she couldn't stop thinking about when she read it. What about those husbands who don't believe? Well, that is mentioned in the book as well. Unfortunatley alot of our husbands aren't as religious as we might like for them to be, some not at all. As women we often think that we can change our men but that is just not how it works. We can't change them, only God can do that. It is our job to pray for them and set the best example that we can. Let God's love work through us. Now that raises another question, this one stems from my own experience. What if we aren't setting a good example? I mean I try but I have a very short temper and even shorter patience. How am I supposed to show my husband the glory of God if I can't even feel it myself? My husband is a good man, he goes to church if I ask him but he isn't the most spiritual man. I would like for both of us to grow in the Lord and I feel that it is up to me to get the wheels in motion. This isn't so easy when I'm getting mad at every little thing and being so emotional. So what do we do in this situation? All I know to do is to keep praying and studying God's word and working on myself. No one said this life is easy, if they did they must have been doing something wrong. I believe God gives us trials so that we may come out a better person. And the enemy gives us trials to try to break us down. Either way it isn't easy. We just have to trust in the Lord and follow his word to whatever avail. I still have a  lot of work to do on myself. So whether it's your husband or yourself just keep praying.

Monday, September 19, 2011

caution faint of faith

I'm reading 'The Power of a Praying Wife' by Stormie Omartian and I love it. Caution to the faint of faith, this book may be to shocking to you. You see, the woman God designed us to be and the woman the world tells us to be are two entirely different women. Unfortunatley women today are so caught up in being independent, strong, equal to men (just to name a few), that words like "submit" tend to immediately evoke negative reactions. We think that to submit makes us weak, so we throw out the idea of submitting to our husbands and all that go along with it. We throw out God's words and make up our own. This is tragic. When we throw out God's words because we feel they are outdated or unrealistic in today's world we are letting the enemy supply our words to live by, and the enemy leads to death. God is life. When we start living by the enemy's words, making them our own, we move away from God. We choose death over life. Why? Why do we do this? Are we as women so afraid of saying "God made me to be my husband's helper, to pray for him, support him, forgive him, love him unconditionally, respect him as the head of the household while we are the heart" to live by God's word? What are we afraid of? That society will regard us as weak? The Lord makes me strong. He is my stronghold. Why would I want to live any other way than by His words? That's why I love this book. It shows us the power of praying for our husbands. It encourages us to take God's word into our hearts and our prayers to help us be the women God designed us to be. The world is constantly changing and evolving but God remains the same. He is invincible to ever changing fads and trends. Don't let the enemy trick you into thinking something is okay because society says it's okay. Stand strong in your faith. It literally means life or death.  -end rant.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


Am I so fragile that if one thread is broken I come undone? I certainly feel that way. I am a spool of thread come unraveled. Satan is upon me and I'm having a very hard time fighting him off. The harder I pray the harder he hits. It's nothing so earth-shattering bad, but the tiniest thing sends my mind in an uproar. Apparently I am fragile. Ofcourse God is strong, but I don't always feel like He is helping me. I know He would never abandon me but sometimes it sure does feel that way. Oh to be human.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Go out the window

"Life was fun
Life was great
Til I made my big mistake
Oh no it'll never happen to me
Life was short
And life was sweet
I was thinking as I hit the street
I could hardly beleve
I could scarcely conceive
But I had gone out the window
I had gone out the window
I had gone out the window" -violent femmes
Fifteen years ago I didn't think much of what this song was about. Now I can't stop thinking about it. You may be surprised to find that throughout my life I have considered suicide. The only problem is I can't stand pain of any kind, so inflicting it upon my self just seems impossible. But still, the thought of the easy way out, the escape of it all, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it when times were rough. When there seemed to be no answer at all. When death was the only escape. Isn't that what the enemy wants? For us to just give up. Give up on God, give up on ourselves?
"She was fine
She looked great
And so we made our big mistake
I swear I swear I swear
It'd never happen to her
But the pavement knocked her head around
When she hit the solid concrete ground
From 30 flights above
And she was thirty something loving nothing
Gone out the window
She had gone out the window
She had gone out the window" -violent femmes
It's a gruesome image but it gets the point across. "thirty something loving nothing". How many people in their thirties or at any age just feel empty, loveless? If only everyone could know the love of God. How it fills us up and overflows from us.
"He was smart he was wise
He'd profoundly philosophize
Empathy for all humanity
'til one day by an open window
There's a note that read
I've gone out the window - I'm dead
He said yes to life for all of his life
But then one day he said no
I gotta go out the window
We all go out the window" -violent femmes
Eventually we do all "go out the window". We do not stay in these bodies forever, but we can live forever. No, I'm not talking about vampires or some miracle fountain of youth. I'm talking about living through Jesus. "He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him." -John 3:36
"Catch me I am falling
Catch me I am calling
Catch me we are falling
Catch me we are calling" -violent femmes
I don't know who the violent femmes want to be caught by but for me, I want God to catch me. I know that if I call on Him, He will hear me and He will catch me.
So what does all this mean? Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes we feel defeated and had rather die than deal with our situations. We just want to crawl into a hole and dissapear. But we don't have to do that. God will not give us anything we can not handle. He is here for us if we call on Him. Death is for satan. In Jesus we do not die, we have everlasting life, which unlike this life, will not be full of trials and tribulations. Satan will not be there to try and destroy us. God is stronger than anything the enemy can throw at us. We may not be able to defeat these troubles on our own, in fact we can not defeat them. We are not strong enough, but God is. He sends His Holy Spirit to work through us, to carry us through hard times. To catch us when we are falling and hear us when we are calling. We may all go out the window one day but where we go is up to us. I believe in Jesus. I have been blessed and I know He is real. Do you believe?