Crying out to God

Ever since I became pregnant with my second son I have been battling depression. It was a hard pregnancy and even though I love my sons more than anything I can't shake my depression. I have everything in the world to be happy about and I can't be happy. I see a Doctor (who is a Christian) and take my prescribed medicine which helps but I still feel like I'm in a hole. I cry out to God constantly for help. I wonder what is wrong with me. Negative thoughts invade my brain daily. I wonder if God has stopped listening to my prayers but I know that is just the devil trying to break me down. I must say he is doing a good job of it. Making me doubt myself, and even hate myself. I do know that God is there and in the back of mind I know he is listening and working in His own way. But that doesn't really make me feel better. I feel like a failure. A complete failure. My family is wonderful and they help me a lot but I still can't shake this feeling. It's like nothing in the world can bring me out of it. I feel selfish for constantly praying for myself like a baby crying out to God but I do not know what to do. Please pray for me. I am lost.

paths

It's so easy to look back at my life and see all the things I did wrong, all the bad decisions I made. I think if only I had it to do over what a change I would make, how much better my life would have been. That isn't to say that my life isn't wonderful now, but that is because I have a wonderful God. He has blessed me with a second chance. I can't go back and change the past but with God's grace I have been given the chance to start again.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. Now I'm not so sure it's all black and white. Everyday I have a million choices and whatever I choose may affect me differently, but nomatter what God is there and if I choose to seek his help he will help me. I believe what I'm trying to say is this: We may choose the wrong path and yet God still loves us. By His grace, by Jesus dieing on the cross and three days later being resurected, we can be forgiven. We can admit our sins and ask for forgiveness.

"But God commendeth his love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:8

Forgiveness

We constantly hear that Jesus died on the cross so that we may be forgiven of our sins.
What does that mean? I think that most people don't really think about it. Either they don't care, think it doesn't apply to them or just take it for granted that they can do what they want because we have a loving forgiving God.

I feel blessed because God showed me in a big way what it means to be forgiven.

Before I got sick I was not living the life God wanted for me. My junior year of college I made every bad decision I could. I tried every drug I could get my hands on. I did not care about the consequences. I was thinking only about myself. One bad decision led to another and another until I ended up married to someone who also only cared about drugs and alchohol. He wasn't a Christain and I thought surely I would change him, even though I myself was certainly not acting like a Christain at that time. Money was tight, times were tough, although I didn't realize it because it's hard to see the reality of things when you are high all the time.

Moving to Vermont seemed like the answer to all our problems. Away from the judgement of my family, free to do whatever we wanted.

Ofcourse running away is never the answer. Especially when you are running farther away from Christ.

How blessed are we though? That God is full of Grace. That Christ died on the cross for our sins. I may have been running but God was with me every step of the way. He was watching after me. I credit part of this to my family because I know they were praying for me. I know they were asking God to protect me.

Getting sick was the biggest blessing God could give me. He brought me home to Him and He brought me home to my family.

Oh there is so much more to be said and so much left out. I pray that the right people read this. The ones who need it. I trust the Lord will bring those that he sees fit.

continued

Ok, where were we? Oh right, waking up from the coma. Well, I'll spare you the gory details for right now.

Let's skip ahead two years to 2004. I've been though a lot but now I feel like I'm recovered. Which I know realize was sort of like a drunk person thinking they are sober. I started attending a technical college where my father worked and the first week of school I met my now husband.

Skip to present. 2010. We've been married since September 2007 and we have a wonderful amazing 15 month old son.

How did it all come to this? God's Grace.

God took me out of a bad situation and saved my life in more ways than one. At the time it may have seemed horrible. It may have made no sense at all but God knows what he is doing. He gave me new life. I may have laid in a hospital bed for five months but God got my attention. His forgiveness and grace is more than I can even imagine. Although I have felt it touch my own life.

Know that you know the jist of the story, let me explain.